Decide to decide

In life, sometimes it's not all about me and what I want.


I have found that recently this statement has particularly been true.


I am a stubborn person.  I have always been one that is quite determined once I have set my mind on something.  But let's face it, sometimes things just don't go our way.  The Lord has other plans in mind.  And boy, am I glad that He knows best. 


The Sunday after Christmas, Dan and I were asked to speak in church.  While researching and getting ready, I stumbled across a talk called, Decide to Decide.  After reading through it, I realized it was just what I was looking for.  But it wasn't until a few weeks after giving my talk that I realized just how perfect it was for me.  It's message talks about deciding to do something.  Deciding to make a decision long before the situation arises.  Deciding what we will do in advance when we are faced with a challenge.  Does that make sense? It's kind of confusing at first, but once I thought about it, it really struck me. 


These last few days have really got me thinking.  I have decided that I am going to Decide to decide in all aspects of my life.  Specifically in spiritual aspects of my life.  I have decided that as the Lord guides my life, I can choose how I react to the trials and blessings I am given.  I am just starting.  I am at square one, but I am trying.


This past week, our family has been given another trial.  Just after the holidays were over, we were blessed to find out that I was expecting again.  We were thrilled, but a little worried as well because of our previous experience.  But soon I was having my "all-day-sickness" like I had with Alayna, so we were reassured.  I was not feeling well at all and barely able to get off the couch some days.  But within a few weeks I was starting to not feel as miserable and the Lord truly blessed me.  Alayna and I were able to get out more and start resuming our normal lives.  Sure, I still felt miserable at times, but at least I could get off the couch.


We were feeling pretty good about all the symptoms I was having and I scheduled my first appointment.  While I had some nerves about my first appointment (and I think I always will), I felt good.  But once the appointment started, and I saw the medical student and doctor, my worries began. 


I was supposed to have been 10 weeks along so after the standard physical they tried to listen to the heart beat.  The medical student tried.  Nothing.  The doctor tried.  Nothing.  They asked for the ultrasound to be wheeled in.  The doctor started looking and clearly was not finding what she was looking for.  Again, they tried to comfort me by telling me I had all the symptoms and possibly I am not as far along and they thought.  They ordered some blood tests and another ultrasound.  Three hours later I was told I could go home and they would let me know.


Not an hour had passed by and the doctor called to tell me that I was having a miscarriage and I would need to schedule a D and C.


Not again!  I couldn't believe it.  I really was taken by surprise.  What about all my symptoms?  Dan, of course, was the perfect comfort and we leaned on each other once again.


The next morning my doctor called me again and told me there were some things concerning her.  My symptoms of morning sickness and insomnia and my hormone level being so high, to name a few.  She told me that after consulting another doctor, they thought I might have a molar pregnancy.  She went on to explain that although, they won't know if that really is the case until they send some of my tissue off to be tested after the surgery, they needed to do the surgery as soon as possible because this type of pregnancy can be very dangerous to the mother. 


So surgery was scheduled for the next morning.  And while I won't know anything for the next few days, I do know that deciding to decide has changed my outlook.  And while I am still struggling and bawling as I write this, I know that the way I choose to react will not only help me, but it will help my family. 


Are there things that I am struggling with?  YES!  Do I just want to skip over these last few days.  YES! Do I wish I could just catch a break? YES!  But maybe what I choose to do now will effect me for the better later on.


So, we're waiting and hoping and praying....